Jacob (big thanks) sent me a link to an article in The National called “Divorce falls in Oman as more men take second wives“. According to this article, the good news is that “the divorce rate in Oman dropped by 12 per cent in 2008 from the previous year”. The bad news though is that “the number of men taking second wives increased by more than 20 per cent”.
Hmm, I’m not sure where this is leading Oman.
A marriage counselor in this article quotes the male’s perspective, which is “I will keep the first family as a dutiful husband, but I need to marry a second wife to keep my libido up“.. hmm, really!? What a lucky first wife she is… to have an asshole a wonderful person as a husband who is willing to honor his duties… what a dutiful husband he is!
I wont mingle much into this subject, but damn we need more marriage counselors in this country before the percentage in marrying a second wife increases. I mean, maybe just maaaaybe.. the wife has feelings and needs too.. just maybe.. and just because the divorce rate is lower, does NOT mean that those families are living in happy homes. I know too many families torn apart because of this. Half brothers and sisters hate each others guts. Years pass by before they talk because daddy is treating one mommy better than the other.. or whatever the reason is.
Marriage counselors please come to Oman, and not ones like Safiya Suleiman that would say something like this “In my opinion, women have only themselves to blame for letting themselves go. They need to look after themselves and stay attractive”… Yeah, thanx, that helps a lot.. solves the problem actually.. make women look like dolls! … yet also continue to expect them to pop out kids, clean, cook, and have a full time job.
So, Oman is empowering women by allowing them to be part in all kinds of jobs and activities. They make a living, sometimes more than their spouses.. Women will not keep their mouths shut for too long. Maybe a forty year old women is not going to demand divorce and fight for her rights because we are still living in the “acceptance” era. However, women are starting to realize that they have rights too.
Many working and married women refuse to contribute to building houses when it is under the husbands name. They are demanding to co-own everything, or mostly the major things.. like their new houses… so what happens then? How can these “wealthy” men afford a second wife then?
Divorce falls in Oman as more men take second wives
Saleh al Shaibany, Foreign Correspondent
- Last Updated: January 05. 2010 12:40AM UAE / January 4. 2010 8:40PM GMT
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Safiya Suleiman says women need to stay attractive to stop their husbands marrying again. Ramla Hussein for The National
MUSCAT // The rate of divorce in Oman has fallen as a result of a trend in which men are increasingly taking second wives while keeping their first to prevent the break-up of their families, marriage counsellors say.
According to statistics from the ministry of religious affairs, the divorce rate in Oman dropped by 12 per cent in 2008 from the previous year. At the same time, the number of men taking second wives increased by more than 20 per cent.
“It is a way of making compromises… between men and their first wives,” Fatma Fallahy, a 74-year-old marriage counsellor, said. “Men say: ‘I will keep the first family as a dutiful husband, but I need to marry a second wife to keep my libido up’.”
In Islam, men can have up to four wives, provided they can afford to treat them equally, both emotionally and financially.
But when men decide to marry again, their first wives’ emotional well-being is usually the last of their concerns. “It is good that there are fewer divorces now; that prevents family break-up, but women still don’t understand why their husbands would want to add another wife when things are going well at home,” Ms Fallahy said.
For Aisha Suleimany, a 46-year-old bank supervisor, her married life does not have the same meaning now that she shares her husband of 24 years with a much younger woman. Her 51-year-old husband married a 22-year-old woman six months ago.
“What did I do wrong? I slaved in the house and at the same time go out to earn a second living and what do I get? Some woman to share my marriage and the fortune I helped to provide for our children. Half of it now goes to the new wife who came in with just a bag of clothes,” Ms Suleimany said.
Ms Suleimany said she and her husband took a joint bank loan before he married again to build a second home.
“The second home that he now lives in with his second wife is partly my effort,” Ms Suleimany added. “I understand Islam allows men to have two wives, but it is hard for most women to accept that when the only reason is just to get a younger model.”
Other marriage counsellors have little sympathy for first wives. “In my opinion, women have only themselves to blame for letting themselves go. They need to look after themselves and stay attractive,” Safiya Suleiman, a 58-year-old marriage counsellor, said.
Ms Suleiman said men in their 40s and 50s are more likely to marry second wives than any other age group.
“They want to revive their youth and stay young, and a very young second wife is just the thing for them,” Ms Suleiman said.
But many ask why young women would accept a marriage proposal by married men twice their age.
“Middle-aged men are usually well-off financially. Some young women don’t want to struggle with men of their own age. Another reason is that it is difficult in our society for women to land a husband after the age of 25. They become a prime target for middle-aged, wealthy men,” Ms Fallahy said.
But Ms Suleimany dismissed Ms Suleiman’s suggestion. “That is stupid advice and I am surprised that, as a woman, she would say that. It is biologically impossible to retain one’s youthfulness as one ages. Besides, women look beyond wrinkles, can’t men do the same?” she said.
Nasser Kindy, a 56-year-old businessman who took a second wife two years ago, refuted the popular belief that men who take second wives simply want to boost their libidos.
“Far from the truth… most men with two wives do that because their first one turned the house into sheer hell,” Mr Kindy said. “At my age, I want peace of mind and not constant nagging all day long. The home of my second wife is an escape route when the first wife starts to blow the roof.”
But Mr Kindy conceded that polygamy is not always an enviable lifestyle.
“Children from the first wife can be rebellious, causing constant friction… And your two families can never be close, virtually becoming lifelong enemies,” Mr Kindy said.
Clerics say the practice often leads to disputes over inheritance.
“Usually, the children of the first wife, being much older than the second wife’s children, tend to take more than their share after their father’s death, resulting in bitter court lawsuits,” Sheikh Salim al Amry, imam of a mosque in Muscat, said.
Many second wives also say they often have contentious relationships with their co-wives. “We are called ‘husband snatchers’ by first wives. If anything, it is their fault for not satisfying their husbands,” Khadija Marhoon, 33, the second wife of an army officer, said. “Yes, there are problems… I personally don’t care as long as I get what I need.”
Great post and very insightful…mind if I link to it on a post so that some of my readers are aware of whats going on and the trends in this area?
If not, I understand totally…just hope more people realise whats going on.
Kudos for bringing it to light 🙂
Sure, you can link to it 🙂
Maybe the two issues are not related.. Maybe divorce rates are falling because people are starting to understand marriage better and are willing to sacrifice more.. and maybe second wives are increasing because men who don’t live in Muscat but come here to work have increased, hence they need a 2nd wife (1 back in their home wilaya, and 1 in Muscat)
I know I’m thinking too positively but I feel this trend is even scarier!! In general, Omani men feel it’s less of a “crime” if they marry a 2nd wife than divorce.. So if they face any problems with their wives, rather than exhaust all their options to avoid divorce, there’s a simpler solution: get another one!
Anyway, thanks Reality – good post!
Very helpfull info about Omani men, as far mostly I concerned how they go for married second wife? it’s need a agreement from first wife to agree? otherwise marriage will not valid?
Thats very sad, women just like a toys or with nice words Dolls…
One might argue that the Omani men marrying second wives were brought up in a time where the practice was culturally uncontroversial. I think you would be hard-pressed to find any young adults in Muscat that would follow through in practice. I have a feeling the mainstream problem of polygamy will solve itself in couple decades.
That said, it is part of Islam (albeit often misinterpreted) and the practice will probably continue on in among the rural and bedouin population. I would be interested to see the actual statistics on this.
-Pc
Assholes! Excuse my French but I hate male mentality sometimes
And to be honest, I don’t think that article is 100% true. Since when was 2nd marriages and divorce related? It makes it sound like Oman figured out the perfect equation.
Divorce rates are HIGH and the number of men taking on second wives is LOW.
That’s reality. Face it.
lol!
It might not be related, but there are more young males that keep on saying they want a second wife.
I was with family during the weekend, and they told me about this guy who went to propose to a girl and put the condition that he WILL marry the second wife eventually. They agreed..
OMG Reality.. I’m sorry to say this, but this girl and her family sound Desperate!!
They sure do..
There are many instances where guys do that, but its usually with poor families…
May I know it’s still have to pay a dowry for the second wife? if yes…in range estimate?
Yes you do. The amount in dowry is not specific and you have to pay what the bride’s family asks. It can go from a thousand rials to ten thousands rials (sometimes more).
Ever heard about the “zulu” culture ?
SA president marries again (his third “concurrent” wife), the fourth one is waiting…
According to him, “There are plenty of politicians who have mistresses and children they hide so as to pretend to be monogamous”
You can find the story at
http://www.economist.com/world/middleeast-africa/displaystory.cfm?story_id=15213994
Marrying second or third worries most of the people, but what is strange to me is, no one is bother if a man or women has affairs like one night stand by cheating their wives or husbands, or husband keeping mistresses, or wives enjoying with other men, can anyone explain to me.
Well if having a 2nd wife is forbidden then divorce rates WILL go up.
multiple marriages is Halal in Islam, but with conditions (and sadly, most men don’t honor those conditions)
one of them is equality between the 2 wives, which is not as simple and easy as most men think.
Perhaps if there continued to be a stigma against divorce and the practice of taking multiple wives was made illegal people would work harder to mend the relationships that they are already in.
If people are made to feel that divorce is not a viable option and they are unable to simply take another wife then they might be less likely to take their wife for granted.
I know that in my immediate and extended family divorce is very much looked down on, the same thing in my social group. Though I could never imagine wanting to do so, in the United States it would be illegal for me to take a second wife and yet it would take a truly extraordinary circumstance for me to consider divorce.
I do not think that the “safety valve” of multiple marriage partners that is needed to keep divorce rates low. People need to value their relationships more, respect their partners as they would themselves, and hold their husbands (and wives) to a higher standard.