Marriage vs. Love

Today I wanted to talk about marrying for love and its (almost) non-existence in arranged marriages. When I wrote my post on arranged marriages, I didn’t talk about how we (as Omanis) view love in marriage.

This topic has been in my mind for a while. Many people in the US have asked me about love and the idea of its non-existence in arranged marriages. I have tried to explain, but it seems like I have failed. However, one day, my American friend explained it so well to her husband that I think I should share it with everyone. Maybe none of you will accept it, but I hope you will understand it. After all, we do come from different cultures.

My post is triggered by Devils Advocate response to my post in Muscat Confidential’s blog. DA said:

“Whenever this topic is raised it seems to miss the point. Whilst I respect the culture of an arranged marriage what cannot be arranged is love!

The idea of spending ones’s life with someone where there is little or no love (not all arrangements are as described!).

Then we have the second, third and now rare the fourth marriages. Why are they not arranged? Why are so many Omani women seeking ex-pats? It’s not for sex!

A subject more complex and in depth than is portrayed; lets got there!”

Now, I understand that LOVE is the major reason why many Westerners marry. We do not view our men as our “significant others” and we do not view ourselves as “one“. Those terms do not exist in our society. The way we grew up is that a man comes second, and the family comes first. We do not fight to marry someone simply because we “love” them and the idea of it is immature and childish.

In this society, a woman’s backbone is not her husband, it’s her male relatives. We grew up to believe that if we are harmed in any way shape or form by our husbands, then the police are not the ones to deal with it, it’s our male relatives. They will fight for us, and they will kick the guy’s ass if he touches us.

I know many girls that do not marry the ones they love because they fear. Yes, it’s FEAR. Fear from divorce, fear from getting hurt, and fear from finding out that your loved one married another woman. It’s fear that keeps us from seeking love and we accept an arranged marriage because if any of the above happens, then we have our families to fall on to. If we went against their wishes, then we have to take responsibility for the consequences alone. That, my friends, is not fun especially when the law in this country does not give as much rights to women as it does in the US. No, she does not get half of what her & her husband worked for. If they have assets under his name, then no matter how much she contributed to it she gets… none.

She becomes… broke.

Also, the stigma that attaches itself to the word “divorced” makes us fear and question our own feelings. “Do we really love this person? Or are we just blinded by love?” we ask ourselves. “What if this love ends?” and that is when we start to freak out. So we chose not to follow love. Some of my friends were in some relationships, and once a new guy knocks on the door (arranged marriage way), the girl ignores her lover and marries the new guy.

Personally, (and I’m the “westernized Omani” in the family) I will not marry a guy because I love him. That, to me, is secondary. Compatibility comes first, and if I ever find myself in a situation where I would fight to marry a guy, then I will not do it only because I love him. Of course love needs to be there for me to spend my energy on fighting, but I will only do it if I BELIEVE that the person is absolutely compatible with me.

So yes DA, love cannot be arranged. Yet, in this culture, love comes second. Respect and honor are valued more. You might not be able to comprehend it, but that is because you do not belong to this culture. You are an observer and you are judging through what you find or do not find acceptable. And I am not talking about the bad kind of arranged marriages where a woman is forced to marry someone she does not know. I am talking about the more practiced kind of arranged marriage: where the woman has the choice to say “yes” or “no”. As an Omani woman, I do not condone arranged marriages if it is what some women here want.

And no, women here do not seek ex-pats for love. Some do, and many do not. Ex-pats are neither better nor worse. They are just different. They offer different values and meet different needs. Some women want that and some don’t. You cannot guarantee the success of a marriage from an ex-pat as much as you cannot guarantee it from a traditional Omani guy.

Hope this makes any sense to you all!

Arranged Marriages

In general, an arranged marriage in Oman (mostly towns around Muscat) is not as bad as it sounds. When the guy proposes to a girl (whether it’s because he saw her and liked her, or his female relatives suggested her to him), he gets to see her before the engagement. They see each other and talk. Many end up texting or calling each other.

During this time (which can take a week or months), both of them have the opportunity to decide whether they want to be together or not. However, there are two types of arranged marriages. One is a fake-arranged marriage, and the other is, well, an arranged marriage. The fake one is where the two have a secret relationship, but keep their parents out of it. This way the father will “always” be proud that he married his daughter off in a pure arranged marriage!

Think of it like this: in the West, some of you have moms and dads that like to introduce suitable partners (like match-making). Some of you hate it, and others don’t mind it! It’s the same idea, but we have protocol to follow or else….gossip!

I think these two types of arranged marriages are acceptable, and they usually are successful. However, I do not think it is “suitable” anymore to have a pure arranged marriage where the two never see or talk to each other until their wedding night. I know many girls that struggle, and I think that it has a lesser success rate. This type of arranged marriages is mostly common in Northern and Southern parts of Oman

How to Become a Witch in Oman

This post is in reference to Muscat Confidential’s post on Oman and Vodoo.

Witchcraft in Oman is popular. I know many people that fear coming to Oman for this specific reason, and others come for it too. Now, what you guys do not know is that there are two very distinct types of witchcraft in Oman. The first is called a Saher (Witch), and the second is called Qaher Al Jinn (The Jinn’s Conqueror) … The difference is that the witch (evil) uses Satan’s power, and the conqueror (good) uses the Muslim Jinn’s power.

Alright, here is a guide on how you can become a witch and a conqueror in Oman… Not Kidding!

Al Saher

To be a witch, you need to be cold blooded and evil (obviously). Once you decide that you are ready, you prepare a feast. Now, to become part of the witchcraft assembly in Oman, you need to sacrifice a relative. The closer in blood the relative is the better. Sometimes other witches choose which one you have to sacrifice, and they usually chose the one you love most: your favorite son, niece, cousin …etc.

However, as all sacrifices go, the person you are presenting to Satan MUST have complete organs and with no disabilities. So you can’t cheat and bring your dying or handicapped son (lucky them ha!). I heard about a witch that didn’t want to sacrifice his son, so he gouged his son’s eye out! (don’t be shocked, he is protecting his son).

So, usually the ritual happens in an area where witches gather. Mostly, it is a dirty and a haunted-like place where all sorts of dirty creatures live. They make a circle on the floor and the witches gather around it. The new witch hops in and out of that circle while chanting. I’m not sure what they chant, but I’ve heard that the newcomer is supposed to chant some passages from the Quran in the opposite direction. So instead of saying..  God is Great, it would come out as taerG si doG… then Satan appears and starts doing tricks and whatever.. the sacrificed son is brought all chopped up, and all the witches join and eat like hungry animals.

The new witch now has a life time membership to the witch community in Oman and will be Satan’s servant who in turn will give him powers to turning people into Zombies.

Qaher Al Jinn

To be a Jinn’s conqueror, you have to have a LOT of faith in God and you need to be a really good Muslim. This takes a lot of preparation and meditation. Once you are ready, you take a book (I think it is called the book of al-Ghazali). I have heard that this book is banned in Oman, but that it secretly circulates in some places.

You would want to sit in a room.. alone. You start reading the first few pages of the book and two Jinns appear. You must not be distracted and the Jinn’s job is to do just that. They play tricks on you, such as make scary noises, and the more you read, the more you need to endure. Fire will start appearing and the walls will start falling. Now, this is only the beginning, and the more you read the harder it will be, which is why you need to have a lot of faith.

The consequence for not being well prepared is that will just lose your mind. You will end up being a crazy person. If you succeed; however, the Jinn will respect and serve you. Now, of course they will serve you with limitations. And no, this kind you don’t get zombies.. You might have the Jinn living with you and serving you. There are some Forts in Oman that till today, no one knows who built them or parts of them. The theory goes that some of the Imam’s of Oman were Jinn’s Conquerors and used the jinn’s force to build these places.

Female Circumcision in Oman

Female circumcision in the Gulf area is widely practiced, maybe not as popular anymore, but it has been practiced for centuries. Now, talking about this subject freely might have some stigma to it, and many expats wonder about it but are too polite to ask.

To make it clear, female circumcision in the Gulf is not the same as that practiced in some African regions where women’s external parts are all cut off leaving small openings. Also, it is neither required nor sought after in Islamic teachings. Female circumcision is a cultural aspect of the Middle East. When I asked some relatives about circumcision a few years ago, the explanation was that we live in a very hot weather climate, and the Arabic women usually have external vaginal parts that are larger than the normal size. The combination of hot weather, no underwear, and the large sizes made women uncomfortable or rather (frankly) aroused.

This explanation may sound naïve and unrealistic to many of you, but it is a valid reason to many here. Now, what is female circumcision in Oman and the Gulf region? As far as I know, circumcision varies from cutting parts of the clitoris to making a small cut that makes no impact (I guess the sight of bleeding = purification). I do not believe that there is a certain cultural event or a ritual that happens during the circumcision. Women just call a known lady to their houses when men are absent. She makes the cut, gets paid, and leaves.

Now, is female circumcision wrong? Yes, and the younger the generation gets, the more they are aware of the repercussions. The idea that circulates now-a-days is that female circumcision is the result of females’ inability to enjoy sexual activities with partners. Many mothers these days refuse to circumcise their daughters.

Embarrassing People

Have you ever went to a place full of expats and you had one arrogant Omani guy who thinks that he is “special” and you just felt so embarrassed that you are in the same room and wearing an abaya?

Yes, Oman like any other Gulf/Arabic country is full of  wasta (I will use Nadia’s Def.: “Wasta is getting what you want in life when you don’t deserve it by using your social connections and the grapevine”). It goes to the extent where people are offended if you don’t let them slack off or give them a break when they mess up. This guy who happened to make me feel embarrassed, was giving an application to a woman at this place and didn’t have enough cash. Now, according to the policy, the lady cannot accept the application or keep it with her (pending) till this guy goes and gets the cash. He was insulted. Apparently he thought his old age look (around 50’s) gave him the right to demand a special treatment.

“For God’s sake, look at me!”, he argued, “look at me standing in front of you!, and you tell me you cannot accept the application!?”
The lady, very patiently, responded “I am not trying to disrespect you, but our policy does not allow me to accept your application”
He looked at her in disbelief and said, “Where is your SUPERVISOR!”… this word is usually said to scare who ever is working  from being fired or deployed, but the worker is an Oman woman and I’m sure she is not afraid of deployment!
She excused herself, went to her supervisor. During this time, this middle-aged guy (really, he didn’t look old) managed to scam the money out of a naive and well prepared Indian expat. Not just that! The Omani guy was arrogant about it too. After the Indian guy gave him the money, he said.. “I will pay you DOUBLE what you just gave me!”. He was loud and obnoxious! As if this Indian guy was getting a great DEAL out of this..

It was embarrassing to see.  The guy took the money, finished his application, and went to the bathroom. Later, he returned like nothing happened, sat down and waited for his name to be called.

This whole thing unfolded just like this Omani guy wanted: he got what he wanted the way he wanted.

Fort Hood Shootings: No Apologies

Okay, you read the title… don’t jump on my throat just yet!

As a Muslim the first thought that goes through my head every time any killing or bombing happens in any place, especially in a non-Muslim country,  is “Oh, God! Please don’t make him be a Muslim!“..

That is how it is for many of us Muslims in Oman or Muslims who live in the US. We dread it when the news reports these bombings or shootings because the first thing that is mentioned in these reports (if it is a Muslims guy) is Islam. “He is a Muslim US born”, “American citizen, with Arabic roots”! The focus changes from this man being a killer to a Muslim killer. His actions become a Muslim trait and that is just absurd!

It is also of concern how I go about to read in some posts or comments on the news websites and read what people have to say. Some think that Muslims leaders should issue an apology. Others still hate us for the 9/11 attacks and are still resentful because the Muslim countries did not issue a formal apology. Now let me see.. Does the Pope apologizes for every Christian murderer out there? I mean common! so NO! We will not apologies for every Muslim that decides to kill people. They do not represent us nor are they related to us in any way! I shall not feel guilty but sad for the loss of those lives in such a horrific incident. My heart goes for their families, and I am sorry this happened to them. I am not sorry because he is a Muslim and I should not feel guilty for being one either.

I am a good person and a Muslim too. I would not hurt anyone be they are Christians, Jews, Hindus…etc. I respect others and only ask for the same. And here, I ask that I am not judged based on some person’s actions who is on the other side of the planet that the only thing he shares with me is a religion.

 

 

 

The New “Nook” E-reader

Yesterday I was looking up the new “Nook” e-reader from Barnes and Noble. Despite the weird name (in both languages, Arabic and English), I am excited to look at this new edition in the e-readers market. I hope by November my patience to buy an e-reader would pan out.

Image credit to Barnes and Noble

I don’t usually post about gadgets in my blog, but I am excited about this product and I am a big fan of e-readers for so many reasons. One of the reasons is that I have so many books right now that it is hard for me to manage, and I hate clutter (I’m living in one and it is driving me nutts!). Also, I want to say that I would like to contribute (even a little) to saving trees (No, I don’t call myself green, but if there is an alternative to cutting trees then why not!). I like gadgets (the true reason!), and I enjoy reading. So, why not get myself an e-reader!

The one problem is that the “Nook” is only based in the US.. *sigh*. I know that the Kindle has an international version too, but I refuse to pay $260 for a device that uses proprietary software (yes, I’m a big fan of open source!). Also, the “nook e-reader” supports so many formats that I can read my own pdf articles. You can also view books in Arabic (pdf), which is great but you can’t use all the fancy applications with it, which is fine.

According to Barnes and Noble FAQ. “When you travel abroad, you can read any files that are already on your nook. You can connect to Wi-Fi hotspots that do not use proxy security settings, such those commonly used in hotels, and download eBooks and subscriptions already in your online digital Library. You cannot, however, purchase additional eBooks and subscriptions.”

Also note that you can buy e-books online. So, for a way around this, maybe I can buy my e-books online using my US bank account, and since it will already be in my online digital library, it will sync to my e-reader.

So, I am excited and need someone to be excited with me. I am living among people who do not know what a netbook is let alone an e-reader! (they don’t really need to, they don’t read *sigh*)

Islamo-Christian Civilization?

Alright, so I went to a lecture at the Grand Mosque on Sunday. Prof. Richard Bulliet is a professor of Islamic Studies at Columbia University who came to Oman recently to give a lecture (or to promote his book, whichever) on Islamo-Christian Civilization.

I must confess that I didn’t research the guy before going to the lecture and I guess that gave me a clean slate in which I can judge the professor from my own perspective (though it would have helped if I did!). So, for this post, I took notes.

In brief, the lecture was about promoting an idea of an Islamo-Christian civilization vs. the Clash of Civilization ideology. I had many questions concerning this lecture because the professor’s goal from this lecture was sometimes vague.

When the professor talked about the idea of “the clash of civilizations” he didn’t give any explanations towards what it means. Instead, he attempted to say that the clash of civilization is “hateful and negative” towards Islam. Now, I know that this ideology is not the most positive thing in this world, but it holds a lot of truth in it. The main idea in Huntington’s theory behind the clash of civilization is that people’s cultures and religious identities will be the source of conflict after the Cold War. Now, when Huntington explained his theory, he didn’t just focus of Islam (the professor made it seem as if it was another conspiracy against Islam!). Instead, he talked about the major religions and/or regions.

Now, I have to be honest, I was somewhat annoyed with some of the professor’s statements. Maybe it’s just me, but he seemed to try too hard to promote himself as the “loving and understanding guy towards Isalm” and that everyone else was hating Islam. One statement was: When September 11 happened, everyone thought Islam was a threat, but I kept telling them.. no, it wasn’t, Islam is great.. but no one listened to ME!! …

Or, when saying that “Billions of dollars are spent on a danger that is not great!”.. he was talking about Afghanistan here.

Or when talking about an article he had to look over that had eight verses from the Quran that were negative and he tried to ask the editor to change those into some more positive verses (by asking a Muslim) and the reply was “we are asking YOU to do it, not a Muslim”..

Most of the professor’s stories to prove that America doesn’t like Islam are based on things that happened seven to eight years ago. I would like to think that America’s view towards Islam has grown or matured at least a little bit. Also, many of the educated Americans know the difference between Islam and Muslim extremists. At least that was my personal experience.

I mean common Bulliet, we really don’t need another American promoting the theory that America is conspiring against Muslims.  Whether you meant it or not, the lecture was only feeding your listeners what they already think is the absolute truth. However, the truth is.. Many Muslims (and Omanis) who are not well educated know nothing about Christianity or Judaism. I mean, it bothers me that what we always ask is “what are they doing to understand us?” do we ever ask, “what are we doing to understand them?”..

Office Gossip (1)

Okay, here is what I found out:

1- My company pays 120 R.O for each cleaner, but the company that brings us the cleaners pays them only RO 35/- a month.

2- The company also pays RO 300/- for each security guard we get. Apparently, their agency pays them around RO 120/- each.

3- No one likes the girl I hated in the office… She is rude to everyone and not just me!

4- Our boss was granted the Omani national after completing 10 yrs in Oman. I must admit, he looks good with the  traditional dress.

5- A higher boss has been living in Oman for 37 yrs, but they wont grant his the citizenship. He has grandkids and he is OLD now! poor thing.. I think he served the country well and deserves more than just a citizenship!

—- yup, didn’t work much today, strangely I feel good about it!! not a tiny feeling of guilt… None! Nada!

Adopting a New Attitude

Since I held my job in Oman I have been having a hard time adjusting to the male-female boundaries and relationship at work. Yesterday, I complained to one of my male relatives (who is more open than others) about a male co-worker who always finds a way to be inappropriate.

After listening to my complaint, my relative concluded that it was my fault. I am not strict enough with my co-worker. Though I view my relationship with him as formal and sometimes casual, apparently I must never assume that he should always respect me. Here, women have to constantly demand respect and never be lenient. Not once because that one time would be the key to inappropriate conversations.

I told my relative: “Why do women always have to protect themselves from inappropriate male behavior? Why can’t men assume that they have to respect women up front, instead of women constantly having to prove themselves worthy of respect?!” Then, I told him that this was not the experience I had in the US, well, the reply I got was harsh: “This is the culture you live in and you have to adopt a new attitude if you want to live in it. If you don’t like it then move to another country that fits your culture!”… ouch!

The problem I am facing is that I do not want to be that girl that is constantly thinking about what precautions I have to take to not cause the opposite sex to disrespect me. I want to be respected. Period. This culture surrounds the male’s animal instinct. Women have to build walls and walls just to gain respect. Those walls have to always be maintained because a woman can never fully earn respect. It is an ongoing process that never ends.

Tired!